#WorstFriends 13

#WorstFriends 13 MP3
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Tim and Colin are talking sports. Colin describes the greatest college football experience ever had in one day. Tim runs down several recent events, including David Stern's spousal abuse exchange with Jim Rome. The #WorstFriends list their 5 most hated athletes.

#WorstFriends Email exchange part 3

Colin’s third message:

No, people will think you are misspelling Yoda, which is cool with me because I love Yoda.  Sometimes I wish that is how I lived, just chillin' in a hut, making some kickass stew, and moving things with my mind.

I've only shot a bow and arrow once, when I was a bit younger, I aimed straight up in the air, let loose, and ran my ass back inside the house.  My parents took the bow and arrow away, so I never got to target practice.

I will admit that the podcast in its current state is a lot more enjoyable than I thought it would be.  We are still trying to establish how entertaining it is for our listeners, and to go beyond that, how many actual listeners we have.  We are extremely grateful for everyone that listens, but you're right that eventually our goal would be to be much more visible, so that random strangers feel the need to give us a listen.  I'm fine with investing a bit more money, but I still feel, to quote Zuckerberg, "We still don't know what it is yet."  I still think we need to establish a clear mission, vision and goals.  If a sponsor were to magically call us and say they have heard of us, but wanted to know what we were about, what would be our 30 second sales pitch?  What is our grab- you- buy -the -gonads 2-3 sentences that not only explains who we are, but what we talk about, and what we envision our product to be in 5 years? 10 years?  "Rich as hell off the best podcast in the world" is nice, but I can't see Anti-Chafe forking over serious cash based on that premise.

Before we move too quickly and start investing (or losing) our hard earned cash, we need to think these things through.  We've moved hastily before and its left us with 100 robot "Likes" on Facebook and our poor friend Rod Knee waiting for his blood-signed #WorstFriends t-shirt.  What we want isn't going to happen instantly.

That point, along with your film critic thoughts, and something you mentioned earlier about our ADD-spur-of-the-moment culture, is fascinating to me.  Nowadays it seems everyone, especially in our generation, is a novice at everything, but an expert of nothing.  There are very few in our generation that would call themselves "buffs", and not in the Ron Ron Juice way, but being an expert on one or multiple things.  Like my dad is a history buff, he can recite and remember some of the most obscure moments in not just American history, but Irish as well.  My friend Mikey is as close to a buff as I've seen among people my age, in that his knowledge of American history is fairly expansive, but thats only because he went to school for it.  He asks me if I'm excited for "Hatfields and McCoys" the first thing I do is Google them so that I know what I'm talking about.  That is all our generation does when there is a lack of knowledge, we Google it.  I guess you could call yourself a political buff, but yet you never really pushed for that to be a focal point of our podcast, why is that?

Back in the old days (15 years ago?) you had to research, and ask questions, and spend a long time, sometimes years, in order to gather an expansive amount of insight on something that interests you.  That is how you become a tv or movie critic, you are someone who has spent an inordinate amount of personal time learning all there is to know about something.  Sure penis professor sounds a bit wacky, but he's probably spent about as much time considering that theory as you and I have on Facebook.

I would have liked a podcast focused on something specific that I have a great deal of knowledge on, but like I said, my educational background and yours would most likely be quite boring to our regular friends.  So instead we Google and Wikipedia and read blogs and episode recaps and gorge ourselves on as much info as we can stomach as soon as possible, then we regurgitate it with some sprinkling of personal opinion and smart ass comments, and hope people like it.  I said at the beginning we need to find our own voice, and I think we've made progress, but it still feels like something unique and truly entertaining to any random listener is still a ways away.

This response got a lot more serious near the end, but I guess I don't necessarily have numerical goals about Likes or Followers or downloads.  My goal would just be that in a year we are still doing this, its still fun, and we started to develop a loyal following of listeners that weren't just bullied into listening.  Also, thanks for ruining Clue for me.

I really don't have any questions after all of this, just looking for a deep introspective consideration of what I just wrote, and whereabouts I might find this petition for the "Free the Khaleesi's Twin Dragons" movement.

Final message:

I’m worried about your heavy usage of the word “random” in your last message. (You used it twice). Does anyone really randomly listen to podcasts? Let me list some of the ones I listen to (and yes, there are quite a few): WTF with Marc Maron, the Joe Rogan Experience, Hollywood Prospectus on the Grantland Network, Nerdist with Chris Hardwick, Dorktown and Brothers From Different Mothers. Only the latter two could be labeled as “random,” but even that would be a stretch. They followed us on Twitter. I followed them back, listened to their pods and enjoyed their shows, so I listened to more of them. I think they gave us a listen or two as well, and I’m sure one day we’ll all gather ’round the campfire, roast s’mores and wieners, and maybe even play truth or dare together. It’d be weird, because we’re all dudes for the most part. But hey, shit gets MAD REAL on camping trips. (There was a girl on the last Dorktown I listened to. She’s not invited on the camping trip.)

The rest, however, are very far from random. I’m a fan of Joe Rogan’s standup and UFC commentary, and plus he always has compelling guests on, usually comedians. Maron, whose WTF podcast is pretty much the gold standard right now, is another seasoned comic with a ton of connections in the game (whether TV, standup or music). I also line up with him on a lot of things politically and socially, so that helps. As for Hollywood Prospectus, I can’t really talk about “Game of Thrones” or “Mad Men” with any of my friends around here, as none of them watch those shows. Instead, I kind of place myself in HP’s discussion (like our friend/fan Skac does with our podcast) and formulate my own reactions and thoughts pertaining to what they’re talking about. As for the Nerdist, it’s mostly about the guests. He’s interviewed NPH, the writers, actors and directors of “Airplane,” and Tenacious D — all very entertaining people.

And this is what makes it tough to figure out what happens next with this little baby we call #WorstFriends. We don’t have Rogan’s star power, or Hollywood Prospectus’ sugar daddy (Bill Simmons and his faceless pimp, ESPN). What do we do with our baby? I refuse to pull a Peggy Olson and rebuke it moments after birth. We may not know what it is, who’s listening and why, but we do know we both enjoy doing it. I’ve heard Steven Tyler talk about Aerosmith playing to near-empty bars and people hating their music. Jay Leno wrote in his book about doing standup shows to two people and in college study rooms while being told to keep it quiet. And we’re better looking and funnier than both of those guys combined. If a crackhead woman like Steven Tyler and a squeaky-voiced chin with legs like Jay can do it, by God so can we.

Alright, now that I Tyrion’ed you with that last sentence, and you’re ready to go to war on the banks of the Black Water, let me try to address something you actually asked or wrote other than the word “random.” I have no doubts about our lack of knowledge on most of the topics we discuss. But the topics are things that we enjoy, or things that make us say “huh?” or things that piss us off. If we didn’t like “Entourage,” we wouldn’t have talked about it for almost two hours. If it didn’t piss you off that the King Nerd at the comic shop Gandalf’ed wi-fi access for you, you wouldn’t have talked about it.

You don’t need to be a buff to be interesting and entertaining. If you’re excited about what you’re doing, people will get excited to. It’s that whole thing of projecting your personality. And don’t stick up for Professor Dick Boy. He was a hack.

Do we lack direction? Yeah. Sure. Hell I’m the poster boy for the ADD-prisoner-of-the-moment culture I mentioned in my first message. I make Internet comedy videos, podcast, write satire news stories, am working on a book, have toed the water in standup, moved to L.A. last year, moved back home and am moving again; AND I have a full-time job.

On top of all that, I got this new motto “YODO” I’m really trying to shove down everyone’s throats, which may trump everything I mentioned above.

I almost forgot to mention the petition drive to free the Khaleesi’s twin dragons, which comes around to your question about politics. The petition is currently the extent of my political activism, not counting pointing out the similarities between King Joffrey and Mitt Romney. It really isn’t that fun of a topic for me anymore. I enjoy political humor, but unfortunately people in this country still carry on this charade that they are offended by mean (usually true) things about ideology and politicians. I just don’t have the time to argue with dipshits anymore.

I’ve written almost as much in these emails as I have in my future New York Times Bestseller “Cannidit,” and have nothing left to give. Next time we’re together, we’re going to work on my next video — me going door-to-door requesting signatures to free the Khaleesi’s twin dragons.

Let me know if a sponsor magically calls you. I’ll tell you if I stumble across any phallic symbols lying around.

#WorstFriends Email exchange Part 2

Colin

You busting out "in journalism" is exactly like me saying "well in the Game of Thrones book, THIS happens instead."  No one likes that type of person.  Your "journalism" experience does shines through with such a well written response, I'm just left curious as to why absolutely none of your actual newspaper articles are ever written so well or are so insightful?

And two spaces after a period is APA style, which I had to use when writing my thesis about workplace bullying, which you sir, heretofore, I do declare, are yourself, that which I just previously spoke of..... a bully. 

As for my smirk faced comments, I'm not sure if I use a colon or semi-colon here, anyway, my rebuttel:  I sent you the first article about the zombie eating the homeless guy's face and said we need to talk about how we are preparing; I've been telling you to watch season 5 of The Wire for a year now so naturally when you finished we were going to discuss it; and the Entourage episodes (my idea, which you later admitted you disliked only because I thought of it first) originally was going to be a bulky 2 hour straight pod, until you decided to break it in two.  Part 2 was only downloaded three times because, and I know because I checked, we really only have three friends who listen to the pod who actually watched the show.  But I digress...

Now that we have that out of the way, I will concede that I was initially against the more free flowing format.  That is only because I personally need to have more of my thoughts laid out in preparation.  That is so we don't come across as two mouth breathers with nothing to say because we didn't know the other was going to bring up a certain topic (insert Days of our Lives which was brought up in episode 12).  That being said, I feel like we have found a decent mix of randomness and organized focus.  The opening segments definitely give almost everyone a reason to listen, and then depending on the overall topic, others can hang around to see what our thoughts are on certain shows, movies, current life events, or erotically dancing little buddies.

All of these adaptations/improvements/changes are going to be beneficial because my initial worry about the podcast was that we would run out of ideas.  At first we discussed having lists of favorite/best tv shows and movies and actors and characters etc.  I was also hesitant about us podcasting about things we basically have a half-assed understanding of.  I wanted to have a unique podcast where we talked about things we actually know quite a bit about.  The sad realization that I came to was that everything I am very educated on is kinda piss-boring (at least by others standards, I personally find my background fascinating).

You kept pressuring us to talk about things we basically knew jack about, but during that process I feel like we have established a unique persona where we accept that we know jack, but hmmph WHO CARES; we're fans, we have opinions, and we have microphones.  Our perspectives, while uneducated and unsubstantiated, are our own and we just hope people like listening.  Its still painfully clear though, especially when we discuss television shows, that we are in no way qualified to be actual critics, but instead basically give smart-ass comments about little people and a lack of nudity from our favorite little khaleesi.

What are your thoughts on where the podcast is now?  Is it what you had initially envisioned? What sacrifices do you feel you made during the development of this show before giving birth to it in a bathtub?

Tim

I’m going to flip it on ‘em, because, in the words of Busta Rhymes, “Flip mode is the greatest.” Instead of addressing your cruel comments aimed at my career and allegations of bullying, I’m going to first answer your questions.

The podcast, in its current state, is better than I thought it would be, but not as good as it will be. Like you mentioned above, I think the changes will be beneficial because we’ll never run out of content. Something ridiculous happens ever day in this crazy world we live in. It seems we agree the podcast is better in its 12th episode than its first, although we may never agree on whose idea it was to discuss zombies and outbreak preparations (mine).

It’s not as good as it will be, because we still have a lot to learn and accomplish when it comes to interviewing guests, creating a theme song, recurring segments, etc.

As far as my initial vision of the podcast, we’re close. You know how an archery target has a yellow circle for a bull’s eye, then a larger blue circle around that, then a series of increasingly larger white circles just to make people feel good about hitting the target? I’d say we’re right on the line between the blue circle and first white circle. A little further away, we’d be in a position of “Well, at least you hit the target.” And if we were a little closer, we’d be damn close to my initial vision of the greatest podcast ever in the world.

And now, the sacrifices. Really, the major sacrifice has been time. I don’t think either of us has spent money on the podcast outside of buying some inexpensive microphones and a ticket to “The Grey.” Sacrificing time, which is not money, despite what we have been led to believe by over-aggressive businessmen in movies and television, is not something I regret, because, you know, you only die once. (I’ve been saying this for years, and think “YODO” is cooler than “YOLO,” which people use as a reasoning for stupid ass stuff like “Drinking a beer. YOLO!” But I digress.) We are getting to the point where I think a financial sacrifice is needed for growth. In my opinion, it’s time to buy hosting from a service like libsyn so we can get up on iTunes without trying to manipulate the system.

Oh, by the way, what’s all this stuff about our perspectives being uneducated and unsubstantiated? What qualifies someone to be a TV critic anyways? I had a college professor who sat on a panel at a television conference to discuss his essay about Spongebob Squarepants being OCD. Is that what makes someone smart? Let’s not forget I also had a course in college titled “John Carpenter films.” Is making sense out of Kurt Russell’s surfboard heroics in “Escape from LA” what it takes to be an “expert” on film? You know what Carpenter was really doing there? Trying to show he is “with it” and knows what the kids want. You know what he actually did? Made an ass out of himself and Kurt Russell. The Spongebob professor thought everything that was long and thin was a phallic symbol — the knife used to kill Col. Mustard in the billiard room — it’s a penis! That candle lit in a dark room so our protagonist could see a book, it’s a penis! The hot dog the man bought a baseball game for his son, you guessed it! A penis!

If being educated means over-thinking cartoons and finding penises in strange places, count me out. I’ll keep it real and discuss heads sliced in two from the eyes up and my desire to see a bare-breasted khaleesi. (I think I’m going to start a petition demanding this in season 3. Will you join me in this noble quest?)

I’m going to ignore the snarky comments in your email, putting an end to the petty back and forth, and establishing myself as the bigger man.

What happens next with the podcast? Do you have any goals when it comes to downloads, Facebook likes, Twitter followers, guests or audience participation? Did you know you misspelled rebuttal? Will YODO catch on?

The #WorstFriends Email exchange Part 1

Email one sent by Colin Wednesday, June 13

So I went with BBFG, Blatantly Borrowed From Grantland, as the title but we don't have to keep it.  I do feel that we initially need to establish we are taking this idea from the Simmons/Gladwell email exchange on Grantland.com, which they have done for a number of years.  We have both been discussing doing something like this, but their most recent back and forth finally prompted us to give it a try.

Enough sucking up to the Simmons teet, he needs time to bathe in the tears of a million Boston fans after the Celtics loss to the Heat in the Eastern Conference Championship.  Despite all of the seething LeBron hate and expert analysis (insert your Legler response here) calling for the old balls and chains of the Celtics to topple the Heat, there I was last night sleeping with one eye open until 11:30 p.m. watching Thunder vs Heat in game 1 of the NBA Finals.  We don't have to discuss this series, or the NBA playoffs right now, because I think we are going to touch on that during our next podcast.  It is the overall process of podcast topicography that I would like to discuss.

These past two weeks we have both come to a very congenial decision on what our podcast topics should be, and its safe to say that hasn't always been the case.  Why do you think this is?  Do you think our slight format change where the first segment is basically a free-for-all, allowing smaller topics to be discussed while not taking up the entire episode, has allowed for more variety?  Or have you just finally conceded to the fact that the majority of my ideas and topics are that much more entertaining, provocative, funny and interesting?

Tim’s response, sent Wednesday, June 13 

A couple of things before I respond. First off, were you implying that I was calling for the Icy Hot-lathered Celts to defeat Miami, or was that an easily misunderstood parenthetical placement regarding a Twitter conversation with my close friend Tim Legler? Second, you spelled “teat” incorrectly. And my third point before I respond: I hate the fact that you put two spaces after a period. In journalism, space is a commodity, and it irks me that you would be willing to waste space/paper if we were in fact printing this. Since we aren’t, I’m assuming you are wasting bandwidth/increasing file size. I can’t back up either assumption.

Now for the important stuff. I can only speak for myself concerning the changes, or shall I say, improvements (again, speaking for myself) to the podcast format. By commenting on current events and headline makers in the opening, I think it gives us more opportunities to make smartass wisecracks, at which we excel. In my honest opinion, I feel it better represents the ADD-prisoner-of-the-moment culture we podcast to. As for it allowing for more variety, yes, it does. Short segments about bald baseball coaches (episode 12) and Dennis Quaid (episode 11) in podcasts originally scheduled to discuss “Game of Thrones” and zombie attacks definitely gave our recent podcasts a “something for everybody” touch.

As for your comments at the end that you undoubtedly typed with a smirk on your face — I concede nothing. The zombie outbreak idea was mine, which led to the paradigm shift that will keep the podcast running for years. That episode also included discussion about “The Wire” season 5. Had I not watched it, we never could’ve discussed it — another reason the shift can be credited to me. Part 2 of the “Entourage” podcast (your idea) was downloaded three times.

I’m sure I didn’t answer all of your questions, but I have a tendency to go rogue. I’m an Aquarius. Whatever that means.

Do you like the fact that instead of an hour-long discussion on food and Frank’s Red Hot, we comment on recent occurrences and segue to a longer discussion? You seem resistant to change (not counting the fact that you’re getting marriage, moving or a new dog). What ideas discussed months ago do you think we definitely need to speak on?

#WorstFriends 12

#WorstFriends 12 MP3
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The #WorstFriends talk Game of Thrones season 2, old baseball coaches and soap operas. Yes, soap operas. Tim is mad at Dish Network. Colin read Game of Thrones the book, and reminds listeners often.

#WorstFriends 11

#WorstFriends 11 MP 3
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Colin appreciates the nicknames he learned while watching Hatfields and McCoys. Tim is shocked Dennis Quaid is doing TV. The summer's biggest blockbuster is revealed. Tim finally watched season 5 of The Wire, and Colin wants a silencer. The #WorstFriends begin to make their preparations for the zombie apocalypse. REMEMERTHALAMO!