Game of Thrones “The Rains of Castamere” recap

*Spoilers*

Take another shower. If you’re like me you’re probably still trying to scrub all of the fake blood off of your face. I know after that wedding reception my face looked like Jorah Mormont’s after he, Grey Worm and Daario successfully sacked Yunkai despite being vastly outnumbered.

If you thought the union of Sansa and Tyrion was joyless, you’ve never been to a Walder Frey-hosted soiree at the Twins. Don’t be fooled by all the glib old-man pervishness and chuckle-inducing glances about a hidden beauty kept secret until the actual wedding ceremony. Lannister gold and a treacherous Lord Bolton can suck the fun out of any wedding, and the blood started flowing as soon as the bedding ceremony began. Game of Thrones really knows how to smack its viewers right in the face, and a full-on slaughter of the Stark clan, including the King of the North and his unborn child (I think one poke would suffice Mr. Stabby), showed that any money they saved by sparingly using CGI for the dragons went toward a hefty purchase of fake blood. I was so glad Arya, temporarily freed from the fire-fearing Hound was recaptured by her former chauffeur/captor, sparing her an eyewitness account of the blood bath. Of course by now, the young girl is hard as a rock, even telling the Hound one day she will stab him in the eyeball. Gruesome words, but pretty mellow compared to the rest of the action in the episode.

Walder Frey seemed like such an easygoing, funny guy, too. This show can really flip a switch, going from humor to horror faster than Bran uses his warg powers to put Hodor to sleep. Just think, now, despite being crippled, be can still please a woman, getting inside her head to deliver a “wargasm” like no other.

This storyline paid off in a big way last night, and I was so thankful. I’d been cursing this arc for most of the season, thinking there was no way they could make this interesting. But once I saw the old man ride by on his last horse — tipped off about the wilding horse thieves by Jon Snow, the crossing of paths intensified the warg story. Instead of doing his duty and killing the old timer, Jon turns his sword on the wildings, joined by Ygritte. Sensing danger after Hodor’s frightened Hodoring, Jojen convinces Bran to get inside the mind of the dire wolf, who gives the up north lovers the upper hand. Jon escapes, telling his former taunter he was right, he was a spy for the crows the entire time.

After they’re in the clear, Bran tells Rickon they’re parting ways. All that fighting, growling, and goodbyes — Hodor slept through it all.

Violence was the real star this week, and that rang true in Yunkai, the latest checkmark on Daenarys Targaryen’s “conquered” list. Grey Worm, Jorah and Daario take care of business there, and return to tell the queen the good news. The action sequences were a lot of fun to watch, and these three might have fought their way into the next Expendables movie. Can’t you just see Grey Worm twirling his spear around his head, killing slave after slave, as Sly Stallone pummels a nameless thug beside him? “Hey uhhh Daario, I’muuuhh gonna call you daddy-o. KHALEESIIIIIII!”

This penultimate episode was not for the faint of heart. There was a lot of bloodshed, right up until the very end, where the show runners show Catelyn slit a throat, followed by a dramatic pause before her own neck is cut. It was almost comical, yet so gut-wrenching. While last season the finale was more of a bow and bandages applied after the battle of Blackwater Bay, this season’s finale is shaping up to give us a chance at recovering, while continuing to heighten the stakes. How will Jon be received when he makes it back to Castle Black (assuming that’s where he’s going)? He has no knowledge of the Night’s Watch revolt. What will the fallout of the Stark slaughter be in King’s Landing? No doubt Tywin’s plan was executed flawlessly, as even Robb’s dire wolf was stuck with half a quiver of arrows. We didn’t get to follow Jaime or Stannis in “Castamere,” and I anticipate seeing how their stories conclude this season.

Now if you excuse me, I still have some blood under my fingernails. Ugh.

Game of Thrones “Second Sons” recap

*Spoilers*

For a King’s landing wedding, the union between Tyrion and Sansa seemed to be a bit of a dud, right? I don’t know if anyone in attendance smiled besides Bronn (I believe Pycelle was actually scowling). Things lighten up a little when Joffrey pulls a prank on his diminutive uncle, which has the residual effect of forcing Sansa to kneel for her marriage cape to be applied. Surely Cersei was in no mood for a party. She might lock arms with Margaery Tyrell as the two strut usherlessly toward their places at the wedding, but she still has no warm feelings toward her eventual sister/daughter-in-law. Even as Olenna Tyrell is sorting out the mangled branches of the sad family tree during a joyless reception, Cersei can’t feign enthusiasm. She escapes for alone time on the terrace, only to be bothered by her future husband/something-in-law. Her harsh words toward him are nothing compared to her threats hurled toward Marge, but a good example of how uncomfortable these Tywin-forced unions are making everybody.

None seem to be as uncomfortable as Tywin’s second son, Tyrion. As he acts drunker than he is, disappointing daddy, Joffrey continues to mock the marriage — threatening rape of Sansa (hard to believe she never fell for this guy isn’t it?) and getting a little too giddy about the bedding ceremony. Much like he was acting obnoxiously drunk, Tyrion acts like he’s just joking about cutting Joff’s unit and replacing it with a wooden prosthetic, bringing about an abrupt end to the night’s “festivities.”

In the honeymoon suite, things aren’t any hotter, and I thank the show runners for allowing me not too feel really pervy by keeping Sansa clothed. Tyrion shows that he really isn’t the drunken whoremonger that people throughout Westeros perceive him to be, and even Shae cracks a smile when she finds clean sheets.

One wedding down! We’ll see if Arya can refrain from killing the Hound a little longer, or if she gets back to her mother and brother for the wedding at the Twins with both hands. The Hound is also a second son and despite his mutilation, is nowhere near the monster that his brother The Mountain is. People snore! Surely that’s no reason for execution. This was one of two brief forays away from the three main story arcs, all of which featured second sons of a different sort.

Take for example Stannnis, the mopiest of all the wannabe kings in the country. The rightful heir is preparing for a good old fashion leach-filled sacrifice, and wants his treasonous BFF Davos the Onion Knight to see the suctioning slaughter. Melisandre did pretty well getting Gendry’s blood pumping — all over his body — and even puts a leach where the blood really rushes when the Lord of Light’s red priestess is naked and on top.

Leaches are burnt as the names of Stannis’ foes are spoken stoically. His right-hand man is out of prison, bringing a tiny bit of literacy with him. I had to take a moment to be thankful that I learned to read using sentences like “The cat ran,” rather than the names of the Targaryen family in crazy Westerosi common tongue. Between reuniting with Davos and blood-burning symbolism, Stannis seems to be getting a little of his mojo back.

But his mojo is minor league compared to Dany Tarageryn, who is joined by a whole host of second sons after their longhaired lieutenant slays the captains and delivers their heads to the mother of dragons. Daario Naharis was on a mission to kill the Khaleesi and instead delivers her new foes in a sack, swearing his men, sword and heart to her all at once. Jorah might not like it, but she’s shown that she loves a man with long hair, and I think we all loved seeing her naked again (we’re all adults right?). Daario’s old pals, back before they lost their minds and everything else above the shoulders, underestimated Daenerys while their loyal lieutenant was falling for her. It’s another 2,000 troops the Yunkai will have to deal with, and losing their mercenaries doesn’t bode well. Free the slaves and give up, fellas, or else see your city burned to the ground. I think the choice is pretty simple.

With all the second-sonning going on last night, we closed the episode with a first son whose father treats him like he’s no son at all. Samwell Tarly was a first son, and escaped the crow chaos with Craster’s 23rd daughter (just an estimate), however Craster’s 47th son (again, an estimate) is owed to the white walker, who silences the ravens when he comes for what is owed him. Sam finally proves to Gilly, and the viewers, that he can sack up when it’s a last resort, stabbing the walker in the back and fleeing as the ravens swarm the runaways.

I was surprised the white walker went down so easily, shattering to tiny, frozen bits (maybe the dagger, WHICH HE LEFT BEHIND, had something to do with it). On Game of Thrones, death is possible for anyone at any time (pour out a little wine for my homie Ned). Whether the Lord of Light brings you back once or five times, or men speak of you and build a wall to protect the kingdom from you, death, if not the one true god, is still on its way like the ever-impending winter. An officer under your command can put your head in a knapsack in the name of love at first sight, or a scared little piggy you brushed aside like long wavy hair in your baby blue white walker eyes can shove a dagger in your back.

Underestimating your opponents never works out well, whether you’re overlooking the mother of dragons or daggers of dragon glass, your best bet is to treat everyone like Cersei treats the Tyrells — like a threat.

#WorstFriends 38

MP3, right click and select save/download

We discuss some of the segments we had high hopes for, but left behind. These include What… Are… You… DOING?! (35:50), the Worstie Awards (38:24), DONE (41:40), Expendables Watch (47:37) and more. In true #WorstFriends fashion, we introduce two more segments, OK we’re good (14:14) and Good Idea/Bad Idea (18:25). There’s slap and tickles early on (2:27) and some random jibberish at the end (51:15).

*Hey guys, this might be a little dated, due to some upload issues. Listen anyways.

Game of Thrones “The Bear and the Maiden Fair” recap

*Spoilers*

Let’s get the obvious standoff from last night’s Game of Thrones out of the way, Bri v. Bear. Locke, in his eternal dickishness, gives the lady a wooden sword for the battle and leads the rest of Bolton’s men in rooting on the beast. King Slayer jumps into the pit and the man responsible for his safe transport starts putting arrows into the bear, accomplishing little more than pissing the bear off. Jaime boosts Bri out of the hole and she pulls him out, much to the chagrin of the cheering soldiers. Looks like he’s trying to even out that lives saved versus lives taken number the shady doc asked him about. Locke tries to taunt and intimidate Jaime, but now Jaime knows he’s untouchable and they leave Harrenhal in the rearview. The fact that no one was pushed over the wall into the bear arena was disappointing to me. Someone should’ve gotten nudged over and been made into bear brunch, dammit.

While Bri was staring down the bear, Bronn was tossing barbs toward Tyrion. He can have Sansa and Shae, according to his bodyguard. The folks at Winterfell might not like it, but what’s that matter? It’s worse if they do, because then he’d just end up as the most popular dead man in town. Tyrion feels sorry for Sansa, although she’s a foot taller than he is and does not feel one bit guilty about it. In fact, she’s more worried about the impending dwarf baby the two could eventually conceive. Margaery knows a good lover when she sees one, though, and has heard of the little fella’s bedroom prowess. Sansa is a lucky girl.

Joffrey and Tywin’s discussion wasn’t as happy-go-lucky as the one had between Bronn and Tyrion. Joffrey airs some grievances about where the council is meeting and demands more consultation. He tries to be forceful, but when gramps walks slowly and methodically up the stairs to the throne, Joffrey lowers his eyes and his voice. If he’s curious about the council’s business, he can walk his ass up the tower of the hand. Unfortunately, his dragon and council curiosities weren’t met with a bitch slap from Tywin. Then again, Tywin Lannister has always excelled at emotional torment, so why get physical with your boss?

Daenerys Targaryen’s intimidation is both emotional and physical. Razdal mo Eraz is carried by slaves past hills lined with the Unsullied, and arrives in her tent to be stared down by Jorah, Barristan and a trio of dragons. He hands over gold and ships, but that freedom fighter khaleesi (one of many titles, others being queen and mother) wants more. Raz refuses to set the slaves free, foolishly raising his voice and pissing off Dany’s children. Subtitling the dragon scream with “What you say about my momma?” would’ve made the moment even more powerful, but I am enjoying Dany’s swagger. More than likely, she will get her way and Razdal will be served up extra crispy, Kraznys style.

Daenerys’ children were affectionate this Mother’s Day, but Melisandre and Gendry’s mothers probably didn’t even get a raven letter during the holiday. A whore and tavern wench respectively, they did do alright in raising their kids — a red priestess and master blacksmith with Robert Baratheon’s blood pumping through his veins. Melisandre informs him of this as they coast over the wreckage of Blackwater. Someone should clean that up.

Gendry’s former pals in the Brotherhood are going out for a Lannister hunt, and Arya, who prayed for the death of many a Lannister, hopes the lions win this round. She’s still sore about Gendry being sold to please the Lord of the Light, and makes a run for it. Before she gets far, the Hound scoops her up. Apparently instead of wandering through the forest he’s now the Gollum to Brotherhood’s ring bearers.

Robb is having trouble keeping his mind on the war, but who wouldn’t while Talisa lied flirtatiously on the bed writing a letter home? Not to mention, they’re having a baby! It’s a bit of happy news for the Stark family. Someone should tell Edmure Tully. It just might brighten his mood about the Frey wedding, seeing he’s going to be spending a lot of time with that wet shit Waldon Frey.

Speaking of spending a lot of time together, I’m starting to get a little Jon-Ygritte fatigue. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to see some people in love after Westeros weddings were rearranged like furniture in a perfectionist’s apartment. And I also appreciated than Ygritte, who constantly reminds Jon that he knows nothing, literally knows nothing south of the wall. She doesn’t know the difference between a windmill and a palace, let along anything about a real war. Drums and banners might be absurd, but the organized army has been successful six other times the king north of the wall has made a charge. It might not hurt to learn a little bit of rhythm. After some back and forth, they decide to shut up and make out. At least not the taunting comes with a happy ending for Jon.

Which is more than we can say for Theon. His legendary penis could be gone forever, as his threesome is interrupted by that annoying-ass horn that he just can’t seem to escape from. At least this week during the Theon scenes we got some gratuitous nudity. That’s more than I can say about the Brann story arc. Turns out they’re not going to Castle Black, but north of the wall. There’s shit there Osha has seen that they can’t comprehend, and Hodor could testify to that (maybe not, but to be honest, out of this whole arc, Hodor is about the only thing I find entertaining). I was hoping he would have his I Need $/Silent Bob moment after a long pause. That’s going to happen, right?

We continued building this week, and there is a lot of shit that will ultimately go down over the next three weeks. I’m most anticipating Jamie and Tywin having a long discussion about his adventures and the lady he brought home, as well as a possible battle between Khaleesi’s dragons and unsullied and the soldiers of Yunkai. It’s time for the body count to get a significant shot in the arm, and a pile of dragon-fire singed corpses would be a good place to start.

Game of Thrones “The Climb” recap

*Spoilers ahead.*

The title of this week’s Game of Thrones episode had both literal and figurative meanings. Climbing for Petyr Baelish begins on an opportunistic ladder raised by chaos. For Jon Snow there is no ladder, only picks, ropes and fear to propel him up the frozen wall.

And love. Jon and Ygritte, with an assist from a magical tongue, no longer have a temptress-temptee relationship, but an ever-growing affection for each other. So much so that she tells him they’re all that matters before the climb, and after it. They’re words Jon takes to heart as he swings to the side of the crumbling wall, driving his pick into the frozen slope and rescuing his dangling girlfriend. They make out atop the wall after the sun breaks through the clouds and we see sweeping shots both north and south of the boundary of civilization. The crows don’t care about Jon. Mance Rayder doesn’t care about Ygritte. And it looks like they don’t care what anyone else feels about them, as evidence by high-altitude PDA.

Their relationship was only one of many addressed during the episode, and is possibly the only one not doomed for a disastrous fallout. The only other exceptions might be Jaime and Bri and Sam and Gilly. The King Slayer has his swagger back now that he’s bathed and bandaged, but without Bri he can never cut his steak without rocking the table. And without his remaining hand Bri can’t stop herself from using silverware from fighting her way out of a trial for abetting treason. It’s a shame Lord Bolton is splitting them up, much to the coy chagrin of Jaime and silent disappointment of Bri. She’s too hard to admit that it’s not duty but attraction that compels her to complete her mission, and he’s too cool to admit the same.

While Jaime and Bri have their own reasons for denying the attraction, Sam has no excuse other than he is an overgrown child. Gilly obviously trusts him, and is taken with his privileged upbringing and willingness to sing her baby to sleep. Just go for it Sam.

In King’s Landing and the Frey, the relationships are not developing naturally, and for this reason, are much less likely to succeed. Sansa Stark is a much-sought after bachelorette these days, but will be stuck with Tyrion and vice versa. He informs her of this in front of Shae, his actual love — the woman who loved him back. None of that matters to Tywin Lannister, who arranged the marriage, and his daughter’s feeling never mattered either. Lady Olenna doesn’t like the thought of tossing a flower in the dirt by having Loras marry Cersei, but eventually relents. The conversation between the two was great, with Olenna holding her own, accusing Tywin of experimenting and admitting Loras is “a sword swallower through and through.”

Loras seems unconcerned with all the marriage games. He’s more interested in planning a fabulous wedding and answering the eternal question, “Is it a brooch or pin?” Whether Sansa, Loras or one of the Lannister children is the biggest loser in Tywin’s love connection is a tough call. But at least Cersei and Tyrion pondering the question does lead to one answer — it was Joffrey who tried to kill the half-man during the Battle of Blackwater.

Joffrey might have failed in murdering his uncle, but had no trouble pinning Ros against the bed post. We assume she was sent to his room by Little Finger in retaliation to giving Varys the scoop on Baelish’s blackmail attempt on Loras. Right when it seemed Maergery was starting to turn Joffrey into something resembling a human with a beating heart, he fires arrows into the chance of ever becoming anything more than the Antichrist he is. We see him smile at his work over a monologue by Little Finger, which was quite stirring.

Elsewhere where archery is practiced, arrows shot by Arya during her lessons reveal the Red Priestess’ approach on brotherhood turf, and Gendry is exchanged for gold. Melisandre’s mission for king’s blood gave her many options, the most convenient being her lover Stannis. There must be more to this bastard than meets the eye, though. The one lovechild of Robert’s to escape Joffrey’s killing spree in season two appears to have the king’s blood the red witch desires. But is her take on what the Lord of Light requires to be trusted? Her holiness pales in comparison to Thoros’, who has brought back Beric from six deaths. Even she is surprised at her god’s power.

Arya is down about losing Gendry, much like big brother Robb is about losing the war, despite never falling in battle. I thought his line regarding the battle-to-war victory conundrum was brilliant, as was the rearranging of the union. Sacrificing Catelyn’s brother with poor aim for the cause of the war does not go over well at first, but ultimately Robb gets his way, pleasing his former father-in-law-to-be and picking up reinforcements along the way.

I thought this was a great episode for the most part, but I could’ve done without Theon being tortured and Brann and friends wargin’ out. The guessing game in the torture chamber seemed to be simply an attempt to sate viewers’ need for gore. I still don’t know who the punisher is, and still have no clue if he will play a bigger role in the game. As for the wandering wargs, I felt it superfluous the show friction between Osha and Meera. We knew this was happening. Like the brotherhood told Arya, it’s because they’re women.

Love is growing in the north and being denied elsewhere. We reached the top of the wall, and marriages have been arranged and rearranged like an obsessive-compulsive table setter might move forks, unaware the difference between which one is for the salad and which one is for the steak. The final place setting will be revealed over the next four episodes, and is likely to be as over-the-top as a dream wedding in Highgarden. 

Game of Thrones “Kissed by Fire” recap

If Jon Snow was a member of the BYU basketball team, he’d currently be serving a suspension because he broke all sorts of honor code when Ygritte shed her fur coat in the steamy cave last night. Westeros’ most eligible bastard tried to resist, but sure enough gave into the redheaded temptation, giving Podrick a run for his money in the virgin Cassanova competition.

While a whole season of sexual tension came to its vow-breaking head in a cavern hot tub north of the wall, at another hot tub, this one in Harrenhal (and much more modern), further heated growing tension of the sexual variety between Jaime and Bri. I wasn’t exactly excited about the pairing of one of the show’s most charismatic characters with Catelyn Stark’s mountainous protector of a woman, but the duo’s scenes, for the most part, have possibly been the best of this season. The two share a bath together, and although he doesn’t skip an opportunity to make a Renly dig, he does ask for forgiveness after Bri stands in front of him fully nude, proving she has no fear. Perhaps it was the pain of milk-of-the-poppy-free surgery, but Jaime starts spilling his guts in the steam bath, telling the full story of the Mad King’s slaying and Ned Stark’s rush to judgment.

Upon arriving at Harrenhal, Jaime got good news of his family’s triumph over Stannis at Blackwater Bay, but as for the rest of the Lannister children, adult children and children-children, the news was far from positive. Robb Stark continues to show that his early success truly was beginner’s luck. One of his loyalists, Lord Karstark, who also happens to have a sizable army fighting for Team Stark, kills two teenaged Lannister squires with some assistance from four of his cronies. It was an act of treason resulting in the condescending lord losing his head (take notes Theon) and Robb losing a sizable chunk of soldiers — an example of the “There are no winners in Westeros” theme Game of Thrones has hammered home for more than two seasons. Catelyn imploring Robb to spare lord Karstark was no shock, but when Talisa joined the party, it gave us a clear view just how much of a struggle Robb is having. A run at Casterly Rock could give him back the momentum, as he sets his sights to the Lannister stronghold.

Grown Lannister children also received some unfortunate news, as Tyrion learned his father was arranging a marriage between he and Sansa Stark. Cersei is happy to accompany the message with a smirk, but her half-smile quickly fades when she learns she will be sworn to Loras Tyrell. It’s hard to be sympathetic with the queen regent in most cases, but when she laments “Not again father,” I think viewers got their best insight into how overbearing Tywin Lannister really is. His verbal smackdowns of his children in King’s Landing have been magnificent this season, and I think he may be the new poster model for a disappointed daddy. Preserving the family’s name and his own grasp on the realm trumps any of his children’s happiness.

Of course, Little Finger, with an assist from a poser squire, could blow up all of Tywin’s plans. Clearly he wanted to use a moment of dude-on-dude passion to persuade Sansa to leave with him, but could end up making a much bigger mess than he originally intended.

Stannis’ deformed daughter really wants to see the Onion Knight Davos, whom her father bluntly informs her, is a traitor. The Lord of Light’s influence is spreading, as we see Stannis’ wife has become a loyal follower, pleased he smoke-seeded Melisandre. The Baratheon princess does sneak away to see Davos imprisoned, unafraid of the consequences. They just keep her locked up anyways, so what’s a new cell?

The kissed-by-fire princess was defiant, as was the kissed-by-fire hound, who triumphed in a trial by combat, overcoming his fear of fire, even when it burned on a sword swung toward his head. Hound vs. one-eye was a great action sequence, and really kicked off the episode well. I was shocked to see the former Lannister loyalist come out victorious, and even more shocked when his fallen opponent was revived by the fire god — not an uncommon occurrence for the leader of the brotherhood without banners. The hound is set free much to the chagrin of Arya, who tried to capitalize on his exhaustion as she charged with a dagger, only to be scooped up before getting a real stab at killing him.

Arya didn’t get her way then, and she didn’t get her way with Gendry, who informed her the one-time trio would soon dwindle down to an Arya solo project, as he plans to stay on with the brotherhood. While she would welcome him into the family, Gendry knows well enough that she would be just another “mi’lady” when all was said and done. Plus, for a wayward bastard, the brotherhood seems like a much merrier option than the Night’s Watch.

No great Game of Thrones episode is complete without Daenarys Targaryen, although the scenes with she and the unsullied were much less tense than last week. We meet the new spokesperson for the soldiers, a man named Grey Worm. Seriously, this guy would’ve got no respect in the 1800s Native American community, with that name, but across the Narrow Sea, Grey Worm is happy to be Grey Worm. It reminds him of the good times, or, make that good time, as is in a couple of days before when he was set free by the Khaleesi. While she talks with Worm, Jorah tries to sell Barristan on Dany. Barristan is also quick to remind Jorah of his reputation in the civilized world, but Jorah is much more worried about pissing his armor. I have a feeling a piss is just foreshadowing for some upcoming dick-swingin’ between these two, both vying for a top position in Daenarys’ army, council and, just maybe, her heart.

It’s crazy how this show continues to raise the stakes from week to week. Militarily, besides Robb’s situation, the show held steady, but the politics of arranged marriage intensified, as did the light from the heavens and Ygritte’s heartbeat as Jon Snow kneeled. We’re at the halfway point, and I’m going to be on the edge of my seat as I watch these stories wrap up over the next five weeks.