*Spoilers*
Let’s get the obvious standoff from last night’s Game of
Thrones out of the way, Bri v. Bear. Locke, in his eternal dickishness, gives
the lady a wooden sword for the battle and leads the rest of Bolton’s men in
rooting on the beast. King Slayer jumps into the pit and the man responsible for
his safe transport starts putting arrows into the bear, accomplishing little
more than pissing the bear off. Jaime boosts Bri out of the hole and she pulls
him out, much to the chagrin of the cheering soldiers. Looks like he’s trying
to even out that lives saved versus lives taken number the shady doc asked him
about. Locke tries to taunt and intimidate Jaime, but now Jaime knows he’s
untouchable and they leave Harrenhal in the rearview. The fact that no one was
pushed over the wall into the bear arena was disappointing to me. Someone should’ve
gotten nudged over and been made into bear brunch, dammit.
While Bri was staring down the bear, Bronn was tossing barbs
toward Tyrion. He can have Sansa and Shae, according to his bodyguard. The
folks at Winterfell might not like it, but what’s that matter? It’s worse if
they do, because then he’d just end up as the most popular dead man in town.
Tyrion feels sorry for Sansa, although she’s a foot taller than he is and does
not feel one bit guilty about it. In fact, she’s more worried about the
impending dwarf baby the two could eventually conceive. Margaery knows a good
lover when she sees one, though, and has heard of the little fella’s bedroom
prowess. Sansa is a lucky girl.
Joffrey and Tywin’s discussion wasn’t as happy-go-lucky as
the one had between Bronn and Tyrion. Joffrey airs some grievances about where
the council is meeting and demands more consultation. He tries to be forceful,
but when gramps walks slowly and methodically up the stairs to the throne,
Joffrey lowers his eyes and his voice. If he’s curious about the council’s
business, he can walk his ass up the tower of the hand. Unfortunately, his dragon
and council curiosities weren’t met with a bitch slap from Tywin. Then again,
Tywin Lannister has always excelled at emotional torment, so why get physical
with your boss?
Daenerys Targaryen’s intimidation is both emotional and
physical. Razdal mo Eraz is carried by slaves past hills lined with the
Unsullied, and arrives in her tent to be stared down by Jorah, Barristan and a
trio of dragons. He hands over gold and ships, but that freedom fighter
khaleesi (one of many titles, others being queen and mother) wants more. Raz
refuses to set the slaves free, foolishly raising his voice and pissing off
Dany’s children. Subtitling the dragon scream with “What you say about my
momma?” would’ve made the moment even more powerful, but I am enjoying Dany’s
swagger. More than likely, she will get her way and Razdal will be served up
extra crispy, Kraznys style.
Daenerys’ children were affectionate this Mother’s Day, but
Melisandre and Gendry’s mothers probably didn’t even get a raven letter during
the holiday. A whore and tavern wench respectively, they did do alright in
raising their kids — a red priestess and master blacksmith with Robert
Baratheon’s blood pumping through his veins. Melisandre informs him of this as
they coast over the wreckage of Blackwater. Someone should clean that up.
Gendry’s former pals in the Brotherhood are going out for a
Lannister hunt, and Arya, who prayed for the death of many a Lannister, hopes
the lions win this round. She’s still sore about Gendry being sold to please
the Lord of the Light, and makes a run for it. Before she gets far, the Hound scoops
her up. Apparently instead of wandering through the forest he’s now the Gollum
to Brotherhood’s ring bearers.
Robb is having trouble keeping his mind on the war, but who
wouldn’t while Talisa lied flirtatiously on the bed writing a letter home? Not
to mention, they’re having a baby! It’s a bit of happy news for the Stark
family. Someone should tell Edmure Tully. It just might brighten his mood about
the Frey wedding, seeing he’s going to be spending a lot of time with that wet
shit Waldon Frey.
Speaking of spending a lot of time together, I’m starting to
get a little Jon-Ygritte fatigue. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to see some people
in love after Westeros weddings were rearranged like furniture in a
perfectionist’s apartment. And I also appreciated than Ygritte, who constantly
reminds Jon that he knows nothing, literally knows nothing south of the wall.
She doesn’t know the difference between a windmill and a palace, let along
anything about a real war. Drums and banners might be absurd, but the organized
army has been successful six other times the king north of the wall has made a
charge. It might not hurt to learn a little bit of rhythm. After some back and
forth, they decide to shut up and make out. At least not the taunting comes
with a happy ending for Jon.
Which is more than we can say for Theon. His legendary penis
could be gone forever, as his threesome is interrupted by that annoying-ass
horn that he just can’t seem to escape from. At least this week during the
Theon scenes we got some gratuitous nudity. That’s more than I can say about
the Brann story arc. Turns out they’re not going to Castle Black, but north of
the wall. There’s shit there Osha has seen that they can’t comprehend, and
Hodor could testify to that (maybe not, but to be honest, out of this whole
arc, Hodor is about the only thing I find entertaining). I was hoping he would
have his I Need $/Silent Bob moment after a long pause. That’s going to happen,
right?
We continued building this week, and there is a lot of shit
that will ultimately go down over the next three weeks. I’m most anticipating
Jamie and Tywin having a long discussion about his adventures and the lady he
brought home, as well as a possible battle between Khaleesi’s dragons and unsullied
and the soldiers of Yunkai. It’s time for the body count to get a significant
shot in the arm, and a pile of dragon-fire singed corpses would be a good place
to start.
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