Season three gets off and “running” with a “cold” opening
north of the wall. However, overweight wussy Samwell Tarly is not running to
shed a few pounds, which could do him well, but likely fleeing after seeing the
horde of white walkers marching at the conclusion of season two. Sam sees a
kneeling Night’s Watchman through the blowing snow, but gets no reply when he
calls out to him.
That makes sense, as the protector of the wall’s head has
been severed from the larynx, rendering his vocal instruments useless, and he
himself lifeless. A white walker lumbers toward Sam, who is all but tearing and
turtling up — his go-to defense stance. Luckily a knight’s watchdog, followed
by several crows bails him out. Sorry snow zombie, chilled gristle is off the
menu tonight.
After the theme song thunders in and out, we join our other hero
up north, Jon Snow. The castle black bastard is being escorted by the North’s
hottest redhead to meet Mance Rayder,
the king north of the wall. But first… Giant! … I mean GIANT! Awesome. Shy
creatures, from what Ygritte has told us, but don’t piss them off. Seriously,
do people need to be told to not piss of a giant? Especially when you’ve just
witnessed one pounding a wooden pole into the frozen ground using his massive
fist? Anyhow, Ygritte takes Jon through the camp, where kids laugh as they toss
rocks at his head. Someone get the poor guy a new cloak.
Jon finally meets Mance, the people’s king, even
dwelling in a tent just like his cold constituents. There’s a little confusion,
but Jon eventually tells him he wants to join him because he just wants to be
free. Plus, he doesn’t like the Night’s Watch enabling people who screw their
daughters and feed their male children to scary forest beings. With hesitation,
the king extends his hand to dead Ned’s lovechild and the two shake on it.
Back in the civilized world, Bronn is enjoying peace and
prostitutes — the finer parts of post-victory King’s Landing, when he is rudely
interrupted (cockblocked) whilst enjoying a mouthful of medieval thong. He
threatens to kill the messenger, but it was everyone’s favorite half-man Tyrion
Lannister who summoned him. Before Bronn can get to his boss’ new chamber,
which is quite the downgrade from the master bedroom he enjoyed as hand of the
king, big sis Cersei drops in with a pair of knights in shiny armor.
Lannister-on-Lannister vocal violence is always a highlight
of the show. Cersei is being her usual lip-pursing, evil-smiling self, telling
Tyrion he’s not half as clever as he thinks he is. Of course he reminds her he’s
still more clever than her. While they’re inside the room going back and forth,
Bronn arrives outside, happily taunting Cersei’s guards. Just as the boys are
about to brawl, Tyrion exits his room, and the viewers are privy to some
amusing banter between Bronn and Tyrion regarding the former’s salary.
Elsewhere, Davos Seaworth, is just now waking up after
washing up. Stannis’ would-be hand survived a Blackwater explosion, and is
picked up by our old pirate friend Salladhor Saan. Davos wants to go back to
Dragonstone to be with the failed rightful heir to the throne. What he doesn’t
know, which Salladhor explains so bluntly, is that Stannis is still under the
thumb of Melisandre. From what I hear, they’ve had some really lavish bonfires,
if you’re into that sort of thing. Davos isn’t, and that’s why he’s going back.
Salladhor tells him he’ll toss his balls in a sack and give them to his widow (winning
best line of the night) when Stannis and
the red witch use him as kindling.
Next up we see wolf-head banners waving in the wind, which
means the King of the North is on the move. He and his men and mom pull up
outside Harrenhal, which last we saw was being exited by Tywin’s army and Arya
Stark’s gang of misfit children. Robb walks through and sees that the Lion’s
pride left quite a mess, but surely there is a chamber where he can imprison
Catelyn, even though Talisa implores him to show some compassion. Robb ignores
her. Their impromptu union seems to be off to a roaring start. You kids are
gonna be just fine.
Back in King’s Landing, there’s a heavyweight debate going
down. I’ve been waiting for this moment for quite some time. Tyrion tells his not-so-proud
poppa “Hello, you’re welcome everybody,” and that with Jamie taking his vow
with the King’s Guard, Casterly Rock is his to rule. What follows is without a
doubt the biggest verbal undressing of the popular dwarf. Tywin reminds Tyrion
that he killed his own mother (by being born, ouch.) and informs him that
Casterly Rock is one castle that will not become just another funhouse for
Tyrion. Just for good measure, he lets him know that the next whore he beds in
King’s Landing will be strung up. Seems these two have a really healthy
relationship.
At this same moment of the episode, Sansa and Shay are
playing pretend while watching boats. Petyr Baelish approaches and makes a deal
with Sansa that is surely laden with ulterior motives. Enough on this, because…
DRAGONS! Danaerys looks beautiful on a boat as her dragons
fly alongside, showing off their remarkable diving/fishing/cooking skills. Our
baby flamethrowers are getting bigger, but not big enough for her liking. I
love an ambitious woman, and I love sailing. The latter can’t be said for the
surviving Dothraki, who have yet to find their sea legs and are not quite as graceful
as the dragons when it comes to traversing the open waters.
Davos gets dropped off at Dragonstone, and Stannis welcomes
him back with all the enthusiasm of a child expecting a Christmas morning puppy
only to find socks and underwear. Melisandre informs Davos that she could’ve
saved the troops who went up in flames at Blackwater, and when Stannis’ former
PIC makes a run at her, the eldest Baratheon orders him to be tossed in prison.
Stannis has no love for loyalty.
Back at the capitol, Joffrey and his new love interest
Margaery are being carted through the city, when suddenly the envoy comes to a
halt. All this time we’ve been led to believe that Margaery was just a
crown-chaser, but it turns out she’s got a heart for orphans. During a meal
with Joffrey and Cersei, she and brother Loras Tyrell describe her charitable
works. Cersei isn’t a fan of the whole “compassion” thing, but Joffrey seems
interested. In fact, he even bucks the queen when she talks about their moment
of chaos in the streets in season two. Could we actually see Joffrey show a
little bit of heart? Is it possible this child of the inbred corn could be
redeemed?
Khaleesi arrives at a land called Astorpor looking for an
army. Her host, Kaznys has what she’s looking for, but isn’t a fan of this
Western Whore (his words, not mine!). The subtitles being watered down by his
translator were great comic relief. We couldn’t laugh too long, though, as the humor
was followed by the dismembering of a nutless man’s nipple. But hey, if these
8,000 soldiers remain steadfast while losing an areola or their manhood, just
imagine what they could do in a fight. Down from the rooftop, in the streets of
this odd place, a disturbing scorpion-water girl rolls an ill-intentioned gift
to Dani. It appears danger is afoot, not only due to the scorpion hatched from
the egg, but also from a cloaked tagalong. As the scorpion prepares to strike,
the shrouded stalker makes his move, killing the glowing crustacean.
No comments:
Post a Comment