Game of Thrones “Kissed by Fire” recap

If Jon Snow was a member of the BYU basketball team, he’d currently be serving a suspension because he broke all sorts of honor code when Ygritte shed her fur coat in the steamy cave last night. Westeros’ most eligible bastard tried to resist, but sure enough gave into the redheaded temptation, giving Podrick a run for his money in the virgin Cassanova competition.

While a whole season of sexual tension came to its vow-breaking head in a cavern hot tub north of the wall, at another hot tub, this one in Harrenhal (and much more modern), further heated growing tension of the sexual variety between Jaime and Bri. I wasn’t exactly excited about the pairing of one of the show’s most charismatic characters with Catelyn Stark’s mountainous protector of a woman, but the duo’s scenes, for the most part, have possibly been the best of this season. The two share a bath together, and although he doesn’t skip an opportunity to make a Renly dig, he does ask for forgiveness after Bri stands in front of him fully nude, proving she has no fear. Perhaps it was the pain of milk-of-the-poppy-free surgery, but Jaime starts spilling his guts in the steam bath, telling the full story of the Mad King’s slaying and Ned Stark’s rush to judgment.

Upon arriving at Harrenhal, Jaime got good news of his family’s triumph over Stannis at Blackwater Bay, but as for the rest of the Lannister children, adult children and children-children, the news was far from positive. Robb Stark continues to show that his early success truly was beginner’s luck. One of his loyalists, Lord Karstark, who also happens to have a sizable army fighting for Team Stark, kills two teenaged Lannister squires with some assistance from four of his cronies. It was an act of treason resulting in the condescending lord losing his head (take notes Theon) and Robb losing a sizable chunk of soldiers — an example of the “There are no winners in Westeros” theme Game of Thrones has hammered home for more than two seasons. Catelyn imploring Robb to spare lord Karstark was no shock, but when Talisa joined the party, it gave us a clear view just how much of a struggle Robb is having. A run at Casterly Rock could give him back the momentum, as he sets his sights to the Lannister stronghold.

Grown Lannister children also received some unfortunate news, as Tyrion learned his father was arranging a marriage between he and Sansa Stark. Cersei is happy to accompany the message with a smirk, but her half-smile quickly fades when she learns she will be sworn to Loras Tyrell. It’s hard to be sympathetic with the queen regent in most cases, but when she laments “Not again father,” I think viewers got their best insight into how overbearing Tywin Lannister really is. His verbal smackdowns of his children in King’s Landing have been magnificent this season, and I think he may be the new poster model for a disappointed daddy. Preserving the family’s name and his own grasp on the realm trumps any of his children’s happiness.

Of course, Little Finger, with an assist from a poser squire, could blow up all of Tywin’s plans. Clearly he wanted to use a moment of dude-on-dude passion to persuade Sansa to leave with him, but could end up making a much bigger mess than he originally intended.

Stannis’ deformed daughter really wants to see the Onion Knight Davos, whom her father bluntly informs her, is a traitor. The Lord of Light’s influence is spreading, as we see Stannis’ wife has become a loyal follower, pleased he smoke-seeded Melisandre. The Baratheon princess does sneak away to see Davos imprisoned, unafraid of the consequences. They just keep her locked up anyways, so what’s a new cell?

The kissed-by-fire princess was defiant, as was the kissed-by-fire hound, who triumphed in a trial by combat, overcoming his fear of fire, even when it burned on a sword swung toward his head. Hound vs. one-eye was a great action sequence, and really kicked off the episode well. I was shocked to see the former Lannister loyalist come out victorious, and even more shocked when his fallen opponent was revived by the fire god — not an uncommon occurrence for the leader of the brotherhood without banners. The hound is set free much to the chagrin of Arya, who tried to capitalize on his exhaustion as she charged with a dagger, only to be scooped up before getting a real stab at killing him.

Arya didn’t get her way then, and she didn’t get her way with Gendry, who informed her the one-time trio would soon dwindle down to an Arya solo project, as he plans to stay on with the brotherhood. While she would welcome him into the family, Gendry knows well enough that she would be just another “mi’lady” when all was said and done. Plus, for a wayward bastard, the brotherhood seems like a much merrier option than the Night’s Watch.

No great Game of Thrones episode is complete without Daenarys Targaryen, although the scenes with she and the unsullied were much less tense than last week. We meet the new spokesperson for the soldiers, a man named Grey Worm. Seriously, this guy would’ve got no respect in the 1800s Native American community, with that name, but across the Narrow Sea, Grey Worm is happy to be Grey Worm. It reminds him of the good times, or, make that good time, as is in a couple of days before when he was set free by the Khaleesi. While she talks with Worm, Jorah tries to sell Barristan on Dany. Barristan is also quick to remind Jorah of his reputation in the civilized world, but Jorah is much more worried about pissing his armor. I have a feeling a piss is just foreshadowing for some upcoming dick-swingin’ between these two, both vying for a top position in Daenarys’ army, council and, just maybe, her heart.

It’s crazy how this show continues to raise the stakes from week to week. Militarily, besides Robb’s situation, the show held steady, but the politics of arranged marriage intensified, as did the light from the heavens and Ygritte’s heartbeat as Jon Snow kneeled. We’re at the halfway point, and I’m going to be on the edge of my seat as I watch these stories wrap up over the next five weeks.

Game of Thrones “And Now His Watch Has Ended” recap

*Spoilers await you*

The greatest drama on Game of Thrones has been delivered via several iconic moments, those ones that when the show has run its course, will forever linger clearly in our minds. Ned Stark loses his head, dragons are hatched and swarm Daenarys Targaryen’s nude body, Blackwater Bay explodes in vivid green flames, a horde of white walkers trudge toward a battle with the Night’s Watch, with no subtlety Jaime Lannister’s hand is sliced off — these are some of the moments we will never forget.

But I believe “And Now His Watch Has Ended” handed us perhaps the iconic moment that, thus far, trumps all of these. We have been following Dany Targaryen since season one. The beautiful blond with a heart for the oppressed has evolved from a bartering chip to the one holding all of the chips. In last week’s recap when I said she showed her hand by offering up a dragon for Kraznys’ army of the unsullied, I, like most fans of the show, was certain she would not leave Astapor without all three of her winged babies. The fact that I knew this, and still got goosebumps from the series of events that led to Daenarys and her army marching to wherever (hopefully some boats), says a lot. The final scene, a wide shot with a multitude of former mercenaries on land and three dragons overhead, combined with heavy, pulsing music had me saying “Oh shit” over and over again. Khaleesi’s story arc was remarkably done this episode. And if you’re keeping score, Astapor is the second city whose de facto rulers have been taken down by Dany. Qarth’s surviving council members were burnt and locked up. Astapor’s whip wielders on the wall were vaporized by dragon fire as those on the ground were instructed to be killed in fluent Valyrian. Further establishing her position of power, Daenarys recruited an army willing to die for her, not just willing to die, by setting the unsullied free and giving them a choice to fight or stay. Ser Barristan’s advice from last episode may have been heeded, or perhaps this was her plan all along.

Back in the “civilized” world, Varys was doing what he seems to do best – gossiping. He hates magic, we learned, which is why he so despises Stannis Baratheon and his red priestess. His dislike of illusions and incantations is told to Tyrion during a story of how Varys was cut by a sorcerer. Tyrion is told revenge does not come overnight, but with patience, it can eventually be delivered right to your doorstep. When Varys wasn’t waxing poetically about the wizard in the box, he and Ros were discussing Podrick’s legendary moves in the sack and Petyr Baelish’s plans to make off with Sansa. He has other plans, though, and starts making arrangements with granny Tyrell to hook up Sansa and Loras – the same wheels Maergery is putting in motion elsewhere in the capital. I’ve never particularly enjoyed Varys, who looks about what I’d expect a middle-aged eunuch to look like, but this episode encapsulated well exactly who he is, and how he become what he has. For all of the heavy conversations he had about revenge and distrust of Little Finger, who would see the country burned if he could be king of the ashes (powerful stuff!), the lighthearted Podrick gossip was my favorite scene with Varys, if only to give me a break from all the tension last night.

Make no mistake, tension abounded in Westeros. Jaime Lannister has been beyond humbled, forced to wear his rotting, severed hand around his neck while he drinks horse piss. Even a death wish doesn’t come true for the guy who used to be able to get whatever he wanted, and whenever. Bri tells him to buck up and be a man, informing him that she knows he stood up for her when the rapists came calling. He never does tell her why he did so when she asks, but he does nibble some bread.

Members of the Night’s Watch were seeking more than bread from Craster, who didn’t take too kindly to being called a bastard. His anger is no match for the skilled fighters of the Night’s Watch, though. It’s a full-on mutiny at Craster’s cabin, as the Bear is slayed as well. Amidst all of the fighting indoors, Sam makes a move, running outside to find Gilly and her newborn son. Hey Sam, her daddy/baby daddy is gone and the kid is safe for now, what’s the rush? Perhaps it was the co-leader of the mutiny who called him “piggy” several times, including one last time as he and Gilly ran through the forest. For some reason, I’m not as excited about seeing Sam and Gilly sneak through the woods as I was to watch Jaime and Bri get some alone time.

Theon and his hero were sneaking through the woods, under walls, etc., but for what? I have stuck up for this story arc in the past, but this latest twist has outright confused me. Why did said rescuer set him free and aid his escape in the first place? Plus, even though he returned Theon, he did still kill four men who intended to do the same thing. Is this the same torture chamber? Are these the same captors? Unless this man is Jaqen H’agar, I could’ve done without all of this.

We got another short installment of “Who’s Daddy Disappointed in?” starring Tywin Lannister this week. Cersei tells him that amongst she, Jaime and Tyrion, perhaps she should have the upper hand in consideration for lands and titles. Tywin lets her know that she has done poorly in controlling her son, but he is working to get the little shit back in order.

While Cersei and Tywin are trying to keep him under control, Maergery continues to work on improving Joffrey’s image by having him wave to the public. I am still unsure of her real intentions in all of this, but continue to be interested in where this relationship will go, if anywhere. Cersei and Granny Tyrell don’t think too highly of it, but for the queen-regent, the steely grip on her son is starting to slide.

On the road somewhere, the Lannister’s former gut-cutter the Hound is brought before the one-eyed leader of the Brotherhood, a group of merry men who apparently are Lord of the Light loyalists. This upset me. I was hoping they were simply a group of happy-go-lucky nihilists. On the bright side, it looks like we’ll get to see the Hound in action as he and said cyclops square off. We’ll see if the dog has any bite left in him, or if it was washed away with battlefield wine.

This week was full of confrontations, both violent and pacified. While the highlight for me was Dany’s ascent to a legitimate contender for the throne, the other storylines did not disappoint. There was a big shakeup in the Night’s Watch and possibly in the King Slayer’s outlook on life. What really excites me is that this episode had enough big moments to serve as a season finale, which is still six weeks away. Big things have happened, but bigger things await. I can’t wait to see what they are.

#WorstFriends 37

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Hey kids, we're back! Colin and I start out talking some Masters, and golf in general (I almost picked the winner!), before getting into my doomed "Callin' it" (10:06). Next up we adknowledge the 20th anniversary of "The Sandlot" and reminisce on other great PG-rated films from that era (10:26). Colin has a buinsess proposition that could help pitchers like Zack Greinke in the future (13:35). Then we talk about our dream birthday party entertainment (19:55). To close out, we talk Game of Thrones, Mad Men, 'MURICANS and more (31:05).

Game of Thrones “Walk of Punishment” recap

*Spoilers, duh.*

Episode three was titled “Walk of Punishment,” but I felt like the episode was less about moving one’s feet and more about a couple of the characters’ upper-body counterparts, the hands.

Obviously, one scene literally revolves around a hand — the episode’s final one, where Jaime has his hand lopped off as the screen faded to black over his screams. In traditional Game of Thrones fashion, perhaps we should’ve known doom was about to befall the King Slayer. We’ve seen him push a child from a window and go unpunished. He killed a fellow prisoner to create a distraction, which led to a second murder and temporary escape. The value of his last name was important enough for his enemy’s mother to release him under the watch of a worthy protector. For so long, Jaime was the fork-tongued and handsome yet ruthless warrior who’s reputation and last name carried more weight than Podrick’s wagon packed with history books. He’s gay-bashed and taunted and all the while, has been sleeping with his sister. So what is the gamechanger? What was the one thing that finally caused the King Slayer to face long overdue punishment? On the surface, it appears he played the “my father’ card one too many times. Before that, however, Jaime acted nobly — an action that has led to the downfall of many in Westeros.

Nobility has never led to reward on Game of Thrones, going all the way back to Ned’s attempts to save the realm. Tales of Bri’s blinged-out father may have saved her from rape, but when Jaime pushes his luck and mentions his own father’s wealth, the earlier good deed offers no redemption.

While Jaime was losing a hand, Daenarys was weakening her mightiest one, discarding one of the three aces she held up her sleeve. While it remains to be seen if the mother of dragons will actually be detached from the alpha of the dragon litter, she might want to consider tampering her impatience. Ambition can be fickle if you’re not willing to bide your time, and trading a dragon for Kraznys’ army of nutless knights, despite making Daenerys’ wish of having an army come to fruition, is a step in the wrong direction. Jorah is right. Her strength on the mainland rests in the three dragons she hatched in season one. When men discuss dragons there is talk of terror. While 8,000 ready-to-die soldiers are impressive compared to a few surviving Dothraki, up against the armies of Tywin Lannister or Robb Stark, a fire-breathing shadow overhead is much more frightening than staring down a mob of unsullied sword wielders. Even Barristan agrees that an army willing to die will not fight as ferociously as one willing to die for a cause.

Speaking of weakening positions, Robb Stark’s war honeymoon is over. While he had plenty of success early in the battle to avenge his father and free his sisters, he’s starting to show some cracks in his exterior. Misfired arrows at his grandfather’s corpse only punctuate his growing dissatisfaction and festering desperation. He’s not the only weak wannabe king in the mix. Stannis Baratheon, who never misses a chance to remind everybody that he is the rightful heir to the throne, can’t even convince his fire mistress to take him along on her mission.

There were a lot of losers in “Walk of Punishment,” — Robb, Stannis, Jaime, Daenarys, the Night’s Watch, who returned to the baby-sacrificing confines south of the wall, leaving behind only discarded props from The Godather courtesy the white walkers. However, whereas the crows took one in the “L” column, Mance Rayder and his followers smell blood and a looming “W,” deciding to make a run at the wall.

Who else won the night? It looks like Tyrion is back to his jolly self, accepting that his father will never be more than lukewarm toward him. I haven’t seen a good dragging gag like that since Men in Black. When he buys Podrick a handful of whores, and later prods for the details of the lovemaking while he and Bronn giggle like gossip girls, it became clear that Tyrion will do just fine in replacing Petyr Baelish as Master of Coin (a great name for a rapper, am I right?)a lesser position than he formerly held.

So Podrick the stallion, and now full-time member of Tyrion’s clique (up to three members!), gets a win on the night, joining fellow winner and Arya’s former walking buddy Hot Pie. After stopping for a meal, instead of continuing on with the Brotherhood without Banners, Hot Pie realizes his place is in the kitchen. He says his goodbyes over a loaf of breadwolf (a great name for a rock band, am I right?) and watches as his old pals disappear. Anyone who can step away from the game is a winner in Westeros, and nowhere could be further from the iron throne than the kitchen of an inconspicuous inn nestled in the forest.

Rounding out our characters in the win column was Westeros whipping boy Theon Greyjoy. His sister had an inside man working the torture chamber, and said connect set him free and then rescued him from men looking to recapture him. For Theon, getting a steel ball in the stomach and falling from his horse will have to do. It wasn’t pretty, but he was victorious nonetheless, as someone was there to save his ass. Literally.

The list of losers includes some people not accustomed to being on that side of the scoreboard. While Jaime has been in captivity for most of the series, he has never really been in any danger, and no harm was done. His loss is the one that will bring about the most interesting fallout. How will he be received by his father now? It was no secret which son Tywin held closest to his heart, or even cared for at all. But now his once right-hand man (I couldn’t resist) is just another disappointment. Tyrion said in season one that all dwarves are bastards in their father’s eyes, and I want to see if the same holds true for amputees.

Game of Thrones "Dark Wings, Dark Words" recap

*Warning: Spoilers, duh.*

We’ve always been told “The truth shall set you free.” In “Dark Wings, Dark Words,” however, the Game of Thrones writers and show runners turn this liberating concept on its ears.

Plot-wise there were some familiar events in this episode. Perpetual captives Arya Stark and Jaime Lannister were once again taken into custody — the latter after being the closest to real freedom he’s been in quite some time after cutting himself free from Lady Bri’s rope. Little orphan Arya (not technically an orphan, but who are we kidding at this point?) was captured by the infamous Brotherhood Without Banners, meaning Tywin’s former child employee would more likely be rat feed than a guest at his table if the two met again.

Arya, Gendry and their chubby friend were teased with freedom, until the brotherhood’s hunters returned with their prize catch, a hound fresh out of King’s Landing, whose bark exposed the runaways. Can’t say I’m too disappointed in Arya’s return to captivity, because I’m intrigued by the brotherhood. A gang of rebels that refuses to raise a banner, and at least so far, refuses to play the game by the rules that have left bodies scattered from Winterfell to Blackwater Bay, might be one of the saner sects of the whole country.

Speaking of sanity, I’m ecstatic Grandma Tyrell has not slipped into senility. Finally, someone tells it like it is! She wants the dirt on her granddaughter’s future husband, dirt Sansa is hesitant to throw, but eventually does after much prodding. Viewers could hear her exhale in relief afterwards, because for so long she was the polar opposite of Granny Tyrell. Stop saying you love someone you hate, and stop waiting to eat your cheese! This feisty old lady could be the person who empowers Sansa to finally get out of King’s Landing, with or without a crooked deal from Petyr Baelish, whom no one should trust. (Tryion’s words, no mine!)

Or of course, Margaery could use Sansa’s newfound honesty against her, hover it over her head as vocal blackmail. I’m still trying to figure Marge out. Dos she really care for the orphans? Does she really want to kill a boar to make her man hot? Are the intentions to improve the king’s standing with the people, or to get him out from under Cersei’s thumb and into her palm instead. Cersei senses her grip on Joffrey, and power, could be disrupted by this new woman in the king’s life, but Joffrey seems to be more than ready and willing to heed the words of a new lady.

Sansa wasn’t the only Stark woman spilling the beans. Catelyn confesses to praying for Jon’s death while he was sick as a baby, going as far as blaming herself and her ill-intentioned prayers for the family’s streak of bad luck — dark words indeed! The weight of secrecy was lifted off of Sansa’s shoulders for the time being, but the burden of guilt is only amplified for Cat after she informs her daughter-in-law of past baby hatred, guile she was never able to fully shake.

The telling of truths was not restricted to women. And while it may have led to relief and grief for the two Stark women, for Theon Greyjoy reluctant honesty brought only more pain. Theon’s scenes reminded us that while a brief, sweeping summation of Westeros’ political unrest, wars and power structure may yield minimum changes, deep inside the machine, wheels are turning, and screws are twisting (into people’s feet).

Alas, more honesty ensues north of the wall, as some of the brutal variety is hurled Sam’s way by a fellow Nights Watchman who is not so subtle in comparing him to a little piggy. His invitation to Sam to lie down is accepted, as one may expect. The joke’s on this fellow, however, when he is given the burden of babysitting Sam, punishable by death. Little piggy’s life’s on you bro!

While Sam tearfully trudges on, Mance Rayder introduces his new pal, whom he remains skeptical of, to a warg. Jon learns that these gifted individuals can see through the eyes of the animals, just another misfit in Mance’s seven-language army that without a doubt can’t stand the cave people (who can?). Come to find out, this ability was what has been producing Brann’s haunting dreams. Quoting the raven means talking to yourself for Brann Stark and his new companion Jojen Reed, whom along with sister Meera, joins the little lords, Hodor and Osha on the road to the wall.

Amidst all the dog whispering and uttering of truths, Tyrion pleads with Shay to maintain a safe distance, although he never really offers any options other than “OMG Stay out of my room!” An opinion from which he is easily swayed.

The episode concludes with the aforementioned standoff between the weary King Slayer and Bri the brute. The half-bonded slayer makes charge after charge but never really gets close to putting a dent in Bri’s armor. She appears ready to leash him up again, when the northern army comes to take them away. But their scenes together did not neglect the titular dark words. From gay-bashing the deceased wannabe king Renly and delivering the zing of the night — “It’s a shame the throne wasn’t made out of cocks. They’d had never got him off of it.” — to continuing his quest to get under Bri’s skin, dark words flowed freely.

What the two words really showed us, though, is the darkest words are spoken factually. “He’s a monster” are not untrue words, but they were the hardest to say. Telling the truth about wicked prayers might clear the air, but not your conscience. A lie about your northern conquest yields a knife under your fingernails. If you say what you really know, OK, they’ll take it easy on the fingernails. Here’s a screw through the foot.

Brann’s dire wolf and three-eyed raven dreams might be frightening. But in Westeros, being haunted by a pair of dark wings is not nearly as terrifying or damning as having to speak the darkest of words — the truth.

Game of Thrones “Valar Dohaeris” recap

*Warning: Spoilers ahead*

Season three gets off and “running” with a “cold” opening north of the wall. However, overweight wussy Samwell Tarly is not running to shed a few pounds, which could do him well, but likely fleeing after seeing the horde of white walkers marching at the conclusion of season two. Sam sees a kneeling Night’s Watchman through the blowing snow, but gets no reply when he calls out to him.

That makes sense, as the protector of the wall’s head has been severed from the larynx, rendering his vocal instruments useless, and he himself lifeless. A white walker lumbers toward Sam, who is all but tearing and turtling up — his go-to defense stance. Luckily a knight’s watchdog, followed by several crows bails him out. Sorry snow zombie, chilled gristle is off the menu tonight.

After the theme song thunders in and out, we join our other hero up north, Jon Snow. The castle black bastard is being escorted by the North’s hottest redhead to meet Mance Rayder, the king north of the wall. But first… Giant! … I mean GIANT! Awesome. Shy creatures, from what Ygritte has told us, but don’t piss them off. Seriously, do people need to be told to not piss of a giant? Especially when you’ve just witnessed one pounding a wooden pole into the frozen ground using his massive fist? Anyhow, Ygritte takes Jon through the camp, where kids laugh as they toss rocks at his head. Someone get the poor guy a new cloak.

Jon finally meets Mance, the people’s king, even dwelling in a tent just like his cold constituents. There’s a little confusion, but Jon eventually tells him he wants to join him because he just wants to be free. Plus, he doesn’t like the Night’s Watch enabling people who screw their daughters and feed their male children to scary forest beings. With hesitation, the king extends his hand to dead Ned’s lovechild and the two shake on it.

Back in the civilized world, Bronn is enjoying peace and prostitutes — the finer parts of post-victory King’s Landing, when he is rudely interrupted (cockblocked) whilst enjoying a mouthful of medieval thong. He threatens to kill the messenger, but it was everyone’s favorite half-man Tyrion Lannister who summoned him. Before Bronn can get to his boss’ new chamber, which is quite the downgrade from the master bedroom he enjoyed as hand of the king, big sis Cersei drops in with a pair of knights in shiny armor.

Lannister-on-Lannister vocal violence is always a highlight of the show. Cersei is being her usual lip-pursing, evil-smiling self, telling Tyrion he’s not half as clever as he thinks he is. Of course he reminds her he’s still more clever than her. While they’re inside the room going back and forth, Bronn arrives outside, happily taunting Cersei’s guards. Just as the boys are about to brawl, Tyrion exits his room, and the viewers are privy to some amusing banter between Bronn and Tyrion regarding the former’s salary.

Elsewhere, Davos Seaworth, is just now waking up after washing up. Stannis’ would-be hand survived a Blackwater explosion, and is picked up by our old pirate friend Salladhor Saan. Davos wants to go back to Dragonstone to be with the failed rightful heir to the throne. What he doesn’t know, which Salladhor explains so bluntly, is that Stannis is still under the thumb of Melisandre. From what I hear, they’ve had some really lavish bonfires, if you’re into that sort of thing. Davos isn’t, and that’s why he’s going back. Salladhor tells him he’ll toss his balls in a sack and give them to his widow (winning best line of the night) when  Stannis and the red witch use him as kindling.

Next up we see wolf-head banners waving in the wind, which means the King of the North is on the move. He and his men and mom pull up outside Harrenhal, which last we saw was being exited by Tywin’s army and Arya Stark’s gang of misfit children. Robb walks through and sees that the Lion’s pride left quite a mess, but surely there is a chamber where he can imprison Catelyn, even though Talisa implores him to show some compassion. Robb ignores her. Their impromptu union seems to be off to a roaring start. You kids are gonna be just fine.

Back in King’s Landing, there’s a heavyweight debate going down. I’ve been waiting for this moment for quite some time. Tyrion tells his not-so-proud poppa “Hello, you’re welcome everybody,” and that with Jamie taking his vow with the King’s Guard, Casterly Rock is his to rule. What follows is without a doubt the biggest verbal undressing of the popular dwarf. Tywin reminds Tyrion that he killed his own mother (by being born, ouch.) and informs him that Casterly Rock is one castle that will not become just another funhouse for Tyrion. Just for good measure, he lets him know that the next whore he beds in King’s Landing will be strung up. Seems these two have a really healthy relationship.

At this same moment of the episode, Sansa and Shay are playing pretend while watching boats. Petyr Baelish approaches and makes a deal with Sansa that is surely laden with ulterior motives. Enough on this, because…

DRAGONS! Danaerys looks beautiful on a boat as her dragons fly alongside, showing off their remarkable diving/fishing/cooking skills. Our baby flamethrowers are getting bigger, but not big enough for her liking. I love an ambitious woman, and I love sailing. The latter can’t be said for the surviving Dothraki, who have yet to find their sea legs and are not quite as graceful as the dragons when it comes to traversing the open waters.

Davos gets dropped off at Dragonstone, and Stannis welcomes him back with all the enthusiasm of a child expecting a Christmas morning puppy only to find socks and underwear. Melisandre informs Davos that she could’ve saved the troops who went up in flames at Blackwater, and when Stannis’ former PIC makes a run at her, the eldest Baratheon orders him to be tossed in prison. Stannis has no love for loyalty.

Back at the capitol, Joffrey and his new love interest Margaery are being carted through the city, when suddenly the envoy comes to a halt. All this time we’ve been led to believe that Margaery was just a crown-chaser, but it turns out she’s got a heart for orphans. During a meal with Joffrey and Cersei, she and brother Loras Tyrell describe her charitable works. Cersei isn’t a fan of the whole “compassion” thing, but Joffrey seems interested. In fact, he even bucks the queen when she talks about their moment of chaos in the streets in season two. Could we actually see Joffrey show a little bit of heart? Is it possible this child of the inbred corn could be redeemed?

Khaleesi arrives at a land called Astorpor looking for an army. Her host, Kaznys has what she’s looking for, but isn’t a fan of this Western Whore (his words, not mine!). The subtitles being watered down by his translator were great comic relief. We couldn’t laugh too long, though, as the humor was followed by the dismembering of a nutless man’s nipple. But hey, if these 8,000 soldiers remain steadfast while losing an areola or their manhood, just imagine what they could do in a fight. Down from the rooftop, in the streets of this odd place, a disturbing scorpion-water girl rolls an ill-intentioned gift to Dani. It appears danger is afoot, not only due to the scorpion hatched from the egg, but also from a cloaked tagalong. As the scorpion prepares to strike, the shrouded stalker makes his move, killing the glowing crustacean.

Who is this hooded hero? Barristan Selmy! The leader of the kingsguard dispatched from his position last season. He wants to be in Khaleesi’s service, and his appearance marked the biggest “Oh shit!” moment of the episode for me. Dani has an army and a fierce warrior with a personal vendetta. What a great way to get the ball rolling this season. I can’t wait for next week.